I have a powerlifting competition problem. I am not fearless. I am in fact entirely fearful.

For me, lifting on a stage (platform to give it its proper title) is akin to going out and singing on stage when all you’ve been doing up until now is singing in the shower. I am happy enough lifting in the gym but solo, exposed, watched, measured, marked, examined, the centre of attention, being filmed, photographed, announced – this is something else entirely and I have not yet fully mastered the comp game in my three outings so far.

It got so bad last year at the British Masters in June that as I sat on a wall in the sun outside the competition venue in Belfast during a horrendous squat experience where my first lift was good but I got ‘red-lighted’ on the second two I said to Chris Allen (my excellent coach, and handler on the day) that ‘I am simply not cut out for this. I am not competitive enough, hungry enough, brave enough, or strong enough’. Not so badass now, heh?

Obviously by this stage I had literally psyched myself out and was properly giving up. Lucky for me he quickly managed to help me put myself back together, and I performed to the best of my ability for the rest of the comp, I even pb’d my deadlift.

So I felt conflicted because I had done my best on the day but I still felt annoyed with myself for having been so overcome by nerves that it almost ruined something that I had been preparing for for so many months. And this wasn’t the first time that I hadn’t managed to put in a consistent effort mentally within a competition. I seem to have an issue with keeping up my intensity in that environment for all of the nine lifts. It has at times left me thinking no thanks to the idea of competing again.

Why can’t I just leave it alone? Because pushing on through and trying to do a competition to the best of my ability, and to enjoy it, is the definition of badass and that is the space that I seem to want to in be these days. It’s that Karl Jung quote ‘Where your fear is, there is your task’.  And therefore that’s catnip to me, previous sofa jockey to wannabe badass.

So as competition season rolls around I am finding my hand travelling towards that competition cookie jar again. And the memories are fading. It’s a bit like childbirth – if we could really remember what it felt like afterwards surely no one would ever do it more than once? So I find myself thinking, just one more roll of the dice? When the chips are really down, I know I can rise to the occasion but I would like to summon this bravery throughout, not just when I have no choice or when it’s too late!

One of the answers is obviously just to get stronger in my body, and get better at the skill of powerlifting. But as we (me and Chris) prepare me physically for a potential competition and try to ensure that the body is bullet-proof and as strong as possible this year, I am wondering what can a person do to prepare the mind to perform when we’re worried about messing up? Because that’s what it is really isn’t it, we all have a fear of failure and doing anything, from acting in a play to presenting at a work meeting, to a musical solo or sports competition it’s an opportunity to perform well, and also potentially to mess up, publicly! And even though we know this will not kill us the thought of it is awful.

If I could I would walk out on the platform with the sass of Tim Curry in the Rocky Horror Picture Show as he steps out of the lift in his first scene, this would be the right persona for the occasion. Pure badassery and no fucks given. My guilty pleasure is that I have regularly listened to Sweet Transvestite on my way into the gym in times of need when I am not feeling sufficiently badass – it does kind of work and the eagle-eyed would see a bit more of a strut to my walk as I enter. I can also recommend this for any other nerve-wracking events – I could have done with this song playing before walking down the aisle at my wedding. Or perhaps even accompanying the walk itself!

So I am hatching a plan – to see if I can improve my mental game. And try and manage my performance anxiety. I did this in my work with presenting and public speaking, and I would say now that I am relatively confident at it despite still getting incredibly nervous. I seem to have the ability to turn the nerves into performance and that’s what I want to do in powerlifting. But the thing is I was used to all that from school days where we did a lot of debating and public speaking (I was even described as orally promising. Not even joking).

So as more of a novice in the physical realm this may take a while. Let’s see if I can change my mindset along with preparing myself physically for a comp in 2024…….