Or, ‘He not busy being born is busy dying’ Bob Dylan

This quote from Bob Dylan perfectly describes the reasons for the self-development imperative behind Project: Badassery. I love powerlifting, yes, but badassery is a wider concept than that. I can really get with the idea that life is really all about continuing to try to develop and create oneself, always, even when it feels like two steps forward and three steps back.

My current badassery goal isn’t actually competing or lifting maximum weights all the time. My new iteration of badass means being strong but also fit, muscular but also healthy, and a rest from the continuous thoughts and machinations behind personal bests in squat, bench and deadlift for comps.

In my last post I was nervous about going away for a few weeks and being away from my powerlifting routine and the thought that somehow I might stop. With hindsight of course I can see that my terror of stopping came from finding myself doggedly on a path which deep down I knew wasn’t quite serving me, but for me it was a really hard process to pivot away from it.

My little moments of truth started to add up whilst I was away from the routine. I wrote a post about the back squat in Abu Dhabi airport between flights. But I didn’t post it because it didn’t feel quite ‘right’. I really HATE competition squats (there is no ‘love’ side to this relationship at all) and so I didn’t feel that I could authentically write about them….

And then I tried going on a run with my husband and had to run/walk it after the first 5 minutes and felt regret at my lack of fitness for a woman who spends many sessions in the gym every week. Then began the cogs whirring in my mind. You probably could have heard them turning in New Zealand (we were in Australia) as I was trying to accept a really small change of direction from a path that I had walked down so much, and with so much intent.

Keeping an open mind is so hard, but also the definition of creation, of being born, is that ability to change ourselves.

If you listen to yourself when you very strongly ‘believe’ something, could it be that the opposite is the case, actually?

It’s interesting to realise how much we humans with our huge brains can ignore these little moments of doubt and rapidly suppressed feelings………until there is a sudden moment of realisation. Or hopefully there will be. An unignorable message crafted from dozens of tiny clues or momentary thoughts batted away by a mind which is totally set on going in a particular direction.

For me, the fact that I had let my fitness (and mobility, and body confidence too) suffer by solely thinking about maximal lifts, and not other movements, suddenly seemed like a sacrifice that I wasn’t comfortable with right now, particularly as my progress was so hard-won and inconsistent at times.

So when I was trying to imagine myself competing on the powerlifting platform in June I just could not visualise it in a good way, only the potential bad. All I could feel was the anxiety. And the nerves. And the fucking squat. And all the pressure and strain in the run-up to the comp.

So what have I learned?

Question everything, all the time.

And particularly, your own accepted wisdom.

I am moving my body in ways that make sense to me at the moment, for myself, and of course it includes loads of strength training. The pressure is off really and I am loving the process. My coach, Chris Allen, wasn’t particularly surprised to see that some of my lifts seem to be coming easier to me now, without the stress of thinking about a competition.

For now, badass = turning up, giving it my best shot, enjoying it, being more flexible in my approach, developing new skills and re-learning some old ones, still building muscle and strength, and trying to keep all the plates of life spinning.

As for future comps? We’ll see. Never say never.