I have been looking for a more rational way to think about exercise, and realise there is more than one way of being badass. All or nothing is a bit of a gym passion killer if anything less than a perfect performance = a failure.

So my summer of trying to be ‘a bit fitter’ was really fun. After not having run for years I went from not being able to manage more than 15 mins of jogging to the dizzy heights of completing some 5km Park Runs alongside my other weight training. Powerlifting to 5k, if you like. I saw a meme that said being ‘hybrid’ is basically being a pretty shit runner and a very average lifter – hands up to that.

It’s not that the sport of powerlifting was wrong but after about two years of focusing on max lift strength only, it was good to feel fitter, and still keep some strength too. It was also nice not to be continuously doing mental maths in the shower, trying to workout my expected powerlifting totals.

So my next plan had been to come into Autumn, still trying to stay fit(ish) and have a few months of strength building to try and top my max lifts again on squat, bench and deadlift. I like different phases of training and mixing it up keeps it interesting (for me). And strength training in the winter is a classic trope. Strong winter, hybrid summer – I can see that working for me for years to come.

But then my mum (who is 87) had a bad fall and suddenly needed me in a way that she hadn’t before. Life suddenly became a lot more stressed and anxious. I carried on going to the gym, whenever I could fit it in around my now-expanded responsibilities of work and family, but purely for the mental release of training.

I suddenly couldn’t care about personal bests in squats (my nemesis lift). I looked within myself for the kind of competitive spirit and aggression that gets one trying to lift really heavy and there was nothing there. I saw other people peaking and just felt a bit wistful. But inside, I felt the opposite of hard and strong, I felt just soft and mushy, stressed and worried.

Max lifts whilst feeling annoyed/competitive/aggressive/frustrated/’I’ll show you’-ish:- that works for me (perhaps not the healthiest!)

Max lifts whilst feeling sad/stressed/worried/anxious/preoccupied:- just doesn’t go (for me at least).

For the first time in years I really could not give a damn about pr’s, but at that moment I also appreciated that I really do love to train. I found that I was liking ‘grunty’ workouts, and cardio, even the dreaded running. Heading into Origin for a circuit set by my coach Chris of bike, lift, push, pull was just literal therapy for me. It was the one thing to help me feel better, both as soon as I finished it, and also even during it.

So if lifting and training in general is actual therapy for body and mind then that’s just great, isn’t it? There’s no downside surely.

Yes, but I got caught out in the perfectionist trap before:

• I started in the gym almost 8 years ago in order to improve my mood and found out I was ok at it!
• I worked and worked, and then started competing, and that’s when my feeling of self-worth became very connected to my performance…
• So much so that what had been the antidote to low mood almost became toxic to me
• I had made my hobby into a job
• I had to succeed and I would not be able to cope if I couldn’t
• It’s that all or nothing thinking again to which some of us are prone…

So, as things start to settle and I think about new goals my mantra has to be to take from fitness the way that it makes me feel in the moment, and the love of movement. To not think that I have to be perfect. Yes, I’d love to be better at all sorts of things and I am happy to put in lots of effort, but it’s a preference – not a demand.

Being badass in my current scenario means not giving up….and find fun challenges that suit the context now.

It’s probably not going to be max lifts in squats or deadlift for the foreseeable but there is something I can do right now that will also have long term benefits. That is try to build some more muscle. bodybuilding but with a really small b, and no competing.

I would prefer to be more muscular for many reasons, and I am going to try to do just that. A) it’s fun B) it’s something one can do in the gym however you are feeling at the time C) I always think muscle looks good D) I shouldn’t get too stressed about it (famous last words) because it’s not life or death, actually…

So my next post will be written after my first month of muscle building workouts…..and trying to keep in mind what I have learned in Rational Emotional Behavioural Therapy (REBT) about keeping my thoughts as preferences, not demands.

For instance, I would like to develop really great and impressively strong hamstrings, but life certainly will not end if I don’t get them (or something like that), and probably no one will even notice them even if I do!

Muscles and Therapy – not an obvious mix but we’ll see….