When I had a caesarean section, 12 years ago, I wasn’t really thinking about how I would feel about it in twelve years’ time. I was just happy to still be in one piece and have a healthy baby boy (Edward, who is now five feet ten inches tall). The scar didn’t seem too bad at the time, though it has remained numb ever since.

So it is slightly perturbing to have it bother me now.

So why is it….bothering me now?

Obviously it must be because I am currently focused on body building, as in I am wanting to get leaner whilst also remaining as muscular as possible.  I want to look like someone who lifts weights at the gym!

So right now my c-section after-effects are acting as a reminder to me that it doesn’t matter how many weights I lift or how lean I get, I can never get to the kind of body I would have had if had been doing this pre-partum and/or in my youthful prime.

I know I am not alone, and like most women who have had children (two in my case) you make peace in the moment with the imperfection and physical damage because you have been through the miraculous process of giving life to a new person.  

But now sometimes it bothers me more than I thought it would when I was in the full-on parenting babies and small children stage of life. When I wasn’t actively focused on trying to look good then I think I just tried to not to think about it very much, and that worked, sort of.

But at the moment I am really trying my hardest to look as good as I can. Only now that I am putting in maximum effort I cannot get away from the fact that the version of ‘good’ that I can achieve may not satisfy me.

That scares me a bit but that doesn’t make the answer just to give up on the gym….

Here’s what bothers me, and probably many many other women. It’s the c-section ‘pouch’ which is described on one of the web pages I found as having the ability to ‘impact a woman’s self-perception and body confidence significantly’. No shit Sherlock. The C-section pouch is described an ‘abdominal protrusion composed of drooping skin, surplus fat, and scar tissue’. Just what every woman wants.

I wanted to read about other female experiences but I can find very little from women in a position similar to me, ie trying to be in shape but a long while after pregnancy. I have found very few fitness influencers who have documented the changes to their c-section scars over time, years rather than months, though there’s plenty about what to do straight after giving birth. I wasn’t thinking about that stuff then – I was more worried about keeping the babies fed – but I am now. That seems like a missing piece to me.

I have always worn crop tops in the gym because I truly believe that I should have no shame in my body. I really think two fingers up to anyone who might think ‘put it away love’.  But people like me (enthusiastic crop top amateurs) don’t really seem to be anywhere very visibly on my social media. All the reading I have done recently on the topic of reducing the C-section after-effects talks about the need to maintain a healthy weight whilst pregnant (not helpful for me now), exercise regularly before, during and after pregnancy (also not helpful for me now) and following post-operative care instructions (what instructions?).

Thereafter, for the longer term effects there are links to tummy tuck operations, and liposuction. There is even something called a ‘mummy makeover’ which includes a number of surgical procedures and which sends a shudder through my entire body at the thought.

So what the fuck am I going to do now?

I am dedicated to training because I love it, but that doesn’t mean that I am happy not to get results. The current problem has come about because I have not been listening to my own advice (and my REBT therapy) about not demanding a particular result, and creating beliefs that I have to have the perfect physique, or it’s a disaster. I have to be realistic and rational.

Crying into my protein porridge because I have had children and am getting older is obviously not the answer! But neither is thinking ‘fuck it’ and deciding to ignore my body altogether (one of my previous go-to solutions). I am not ever going to get surgery (that is a firm, but entirely personal, decision) so here is my plan:

• Reaslise that whilst there are days when I feel bad about my inability to get the perfect un-scarred body, there are as many days when I feel, and also think I look, great. I need to remember that on the inevitable low days
• Obviously the existence of the humans that came from me (ie my kids) are living testimony to the greatness of the female body. And this really can’t be entirely ignored – even when they don’t tidy their rooms
• No one sees my c-section pouch except my closest family
• I can, and will keep on, wearing a crop top in the gym because at heart I am proud of myself and not ashamed of growing older and of having had children
• I can be realistic about what I can achieve – this is the hardest part for me as I am a very target-driven and highly-competitive person! And this is where I really need to rely on what I have learned in REBT about preferences versus beliefs. If (or rather when) I do not obtain the unobtainable, perfect, physique, I can live with that because there is a hell of a lot to be grateful for, obviously. I love myself anyway as I am a worthwhile fallible human being, just like everyone else!
• At the same time I can do what I can to make sure I do the best for my body that I can, and be patient that eating well, lifting weights and getting somewhat leaner will affect my long term health positively even if not always my confidence
• Realise that having unconfident days is normal, for everyone
• Remember that some days I also feel like an actual goddess (yes, really)

So body building – as in developing and creating the best version of myself as I can within my own context – absolutely is for me (and therefore for every body) as long as we can stay rational and realistic.

And also be realistic that no one feels positive about their body all of the time.

Rant over, the next post will definitely be about the actual process of body building in the gym which has been incredibly fun…..I am actually getting stronger. And that is a very good, positive topic to focus on.